Jessica: The autobiography of an infant

ISBN: 0595364292

Author: Von Glahn Ph.D., Jeffrey Von

Condition: New

Jessica had always feared that the unthinkable had happened when she had been "made up." She had no sense of herself as a needing, wanting person. Every day she expected to be dragged into court and found guilty of impersonating a real human being. In her therapy, she remembered in vivid detail many experiences from the earliest days of her life. In the process, she discovered that the difficulties she experienced in being born and the inattentive, hurried behavior of her mother in the ensuing weeks made her feel that the needing, wanting part of her was "dangerous" and that she "had to stay away from it." All of Jessica's remembrances were audio-taped and edited for inclusion in the book.Jessica had always been terrified that the unthinkable had happened when she was "made up." In her mind, there was no other explanation for what she experienced when she said "I need" or "I want." The second these words flew from her mouth she felt as if she were floating hundreds of miles above the earth and that her mind was about to dissolve into chaos. If someone had said to her, "I never hear you say 'I need' or 'I want,'" her crisp reply would have been, "I don't know what you're talking about." Those words would have been followed by an urgent "I have to go."Jessica lived in constant dread of someone discovering who - or what - she really was. She was certain that, if her secret ever leaked out, strangers would suddenly encircle her and, with arms raised and fingers pointed directly at her, shout "Imposter! Imposter! Here's the imposter!" The next day's headlines would then surely read: SCIENTISTS GATHER TO EXAMINE ALIEN IMPOSTER.Jessica future - if not her sanity - depended on her preventing that from happening. She decided that the best way to do that was to act as if she really was a needing, wanting person. Accordingly, she did whatever she sensed was expected of her, and in a way that would avoid upsetting anyone and keep her as inconspicuous as possible.Until Jessica entered therapy as an adult, she had no way of knowing how she had become such a mystery to herself. When she was well into her therapy, she started to remember many experiences from the first weeks of her infancy that would provide the answer. During that time in her life, when every minute of it should have been filled with exciting discoveries about herself and her world, she rarely saw a smiling face, or experienced a soft caress, or heard a tender voice, or felt her body being handled in a gentle way.A few of her many remembrances included her sense in being born of wanting to add one more "good thing" to that "big, working thing" she sensed was out there. Unfortunately, her reception by the medical team made her feel that all she had done was to cause problems for them "because I wasn't doing it right." Another remembrance was how the anesthesia given to her mother made her feel that she had suddenly lost control over her body. Yet another memory was how her mother's overall hurried and inattentive behavior in the following weeks made her to feel that she was a disappointment.For Jessica's therapist, hearing these recollections was like listening to an infant who could talk describe every psychologically dramatic moment of its life as it was happening. All of those recollections were audio-taped and included in this book in edited form for ease of reading.